Disconsolateness

27th. Grateful for all the people I am surrounded by. Grateful for the life I am living and grateful for whatever falls during my whole year of living, be it the good ones or the bad ones. Grateful for all the duas that have accompanied me throughout this whole journey, especially my mother’s dua. For those whom I have hurt or left with any bittersweet feelings along the way, I truly apologize. And to those whom my actions may have caused a tremendous amount of hurt, I am just one text away and always willing to listen and be confronted. Each birthday serves as a gentle reminder to always embrace the journey that lies ahead. 27 seems like such a long time, but looking back, I think I'm just starting. Finding solace in God’s planning is so freeing. There are, of course, times where I am too hesitant or impatient about His planning, but slowly, I'm trying not to be. Focusing on what's important and trying to achieve as much as I can as an individual. As much as I have changed

Currently sitting in Anati’s room while they are outside in the hall. They surprised me by having like a small bbq party at the sungai for my 27th, in which I absolutely love and touched by. But as much as I am glad and happy, Im sitting in this room trying not to cry. But I really don’t want to ruin anybody’s mood and being the party poopper so I just hide away and bottle up this sadness. They spend so much of their time and energy for this surprise and I appreciate it so so much. I don’t think letting them know that I am sad would be a good choice. I don’t want to ruin this for then.

 Happy 27th Birthday Ain Izzaty. This year, Im not asking much. Only the improvement of papabear’s health. Significantly. Aminn Ya Rabb :/

 I’ve been sitting in this car alone crying for the past 1 hour non stop. My nose is about to fall off from all the snort. Am I really going to lose my father soon? Is this really it? I can’t possibly tell any of my friends that I am sad. Sabtu ni, 27 april Nizz nak tunang pastu the next day semua nak gi mandi sungai sbb dah alang alang kumpul. Takkan nak ruin their mood pula. Kesian semua orang nak have fun and catch up apa bagai.  I dont want to be the party pooper and ruin it for everyone. Plus, semua pun ada isu and masalah masing masing. 

I just got the news. The doctor decided not to do the operation cause it’s too risky. They said even if he still undergoes the surgery, improvement pun dlm 2% tu pun kalau dia manage to come out from the ICU safe and sound. kalau buat surgery mmg akan masuk ICU. So doctor advice to not do the surgery so his life akan remain slow and mundane like how he is now. But he wont have much time left.  Lagi sebak sbb he’s been keeping this from all of us. Bila tanya what did the Dr said, he’ll say semua okay je. The only way we knew about it sbb tadi abang I ikut dia masuk bilik consultation doc kalau tak dia mmg takkan tahu. My mom still have no idea about this and we dont know how to break it to her. I myself dont know how to handle this alone. For the first time ever, I know I can’t handle this alone at all. I dont even know to whom I can even share how heartbroken and sad I am now. 

 “Allah tak perlukan kamu, tapi kamu perlukan Allah. Walaupun kamu tidak percaya ia bukan kerugiaan bagi Allah. Dia masih Maha Besar. Sementara kamu? Masih tiada apa apa.”

 Memories should not be a prison.

What is it with IT people, developer to be exact and their communication ways? I've talked and work with so many people with so many different background and Ya Allah kalau nak communicate dgn orang IT lah paling payah sekali. Jenuh lah. I am currently doing a 6-figure project kalau semua simple issue pun susah sangat nak communicate mmg ranap lah project ni. I notice I constantly have the same issues with IT based people. Mesti susah sangat nak communicate and very hard to understand how they process information. Benda simple simple pun depa susah sangat nak faham so Im guessing maybe it's me yang need to learn how to communicate better with them? I know their brain works 10101010 and not like others yang can be 11001010 etc but damnnn Im actually struggling to communicate with them bila ada issue arises. Kadang kadang benda simple pun need few hours nak explain??? FEW HOURS. That is such a waste of time Ya Allah. With that few hours I can utilize it on to so many other stuff

It's my first raya without you. Biasanya mesti perg ipoh and you loved my begedil. I miss your cooking. I miss all the food you cooked me everytime I come by. Sometimes, I'll stay the night there. Rindu. Rindu sangat dkt Mak Siah. Rindu sangat sangat.

I miss my Mak Siah a little bit extra today. She loves my food. Shes the reason why I love food in the first place. Every year, she would wait for me to come and cook for her. I miss her. So so so so much. She may not be my biological mother but she treats me like one. I miss her, extra hard this raya. Al Fatihah to you Mak Siah. Everytime I try new food, your face always pops up in my mind because you taught me to always try new food and dont be afraid. I miss you. Im not the nicest person out here and I am definitely a sinner so I might not see you there. I dont think theres room for me up in Jannah Mak Siah :/ I pray for you everyday. Moga semua doa dan amalan Ain dkt sini, Ain dapat bagi dkt Mak Siah juga dekat sana. I miss you so much it hurts. 

 Yoooo having GERD and constantly vomiting whilst having to cook on the first night of eid IS NO FUNNN

You know what always motivate and drives me? Seeing hardworking people. People often say things like "Kerja bagai nak rak buat apa?", "kerja sampai tengah tengah malam usaha beria bagai buat susah kan diri je buat apa?" and etc but for me, I look highly to those who work so hard in their life.  No matter if you're young or a mother, I hold immense respect for all. Yet, for mothers, my admiration deepens. The role of a mother isn't one everyone can fulfill. The sacrifices made, whether it's personal time or rest, elevate you to an unparalleled level. Such dedication deserves the highest respect and honor.  Seeing people who stay up late and still work just drives me to be more hardworking myself. Though I still get worried and concerned seeing people who don't have enough rest, it's still something that I actually look up to. I guess my concern and worrying mostly comes from how I know my body will react. I used to not sleep for 3 days straight an