Cringe

You know what always motivate and drives me? Seeing hardworking people. People often say things like "Kerja bagai nak rak buat apa?", "kerja sampai tengah tengah malam usaha beria bagai buat susah kan diri je buat apa?" and etc but for me, I look highly to those who work so hard in their life. No matter if you're young or a mother, I hold immense respect for all. Yet, for mothers, my admiration deepens. The role of a mother isn't one everyone can fulfill. The sacrifices made, whether it's personal time or rest, elevate you to an unparalleled level. Such dedication deserves the highest respect and honor. Seeing people who stay up late and still work just drives me to be more hardworking myself. Though I still get worried and concerned seeing people who don't have enough rest, it's still something that I actually look up to. I guess my concern and worrying mostly comes from how I know my body will react. I used to not sleep for 3 days straight and just work my ass off. I thought my body could take it, but I was wrong. My body could not take it, so I had to go to the hospital for it. This experience taught me the importance of managing my time and energy more effectively, preventing such exhaustion.

I disagree with sentiments like 'alah kau kerja bagai nak rak pun, bukan company kau kisah' or 'Kerja banyak-banyak sangat buat apa, lek lek jelah enjoy life.' While there's a grain of truth to a certain extend on the first statement, adopting such mindset can be limiting. You see, I don't want to work just to impress people. I take pride and accountability in my work. I take ownership of my work. And I just want to improve myself and learn and gain as much as I can. By doing a better job, you'll grow, and by growing, you can and will gain more.

Looking to the future, especially as a potential mother, I envision myself balancing unwavering dedication to my family with a commitment to my career. I aim to continue climbing the career ladder, not just for personal achievement, but as a role model for my future children. A mother who still wants to take care of the whole household with nothing but dedication, commitment, and never-ending love but at the same time, still a career-oriented woman. Even when I have a family, I still wish to climb that career ladder and keep on improving myself. People often think we might do this for ourselves, or I might do this so I have a safety net to fall on to whenever things take a different turn, but tbh, one of the reasons why I still want to work and climb that career ladder as well as pursue my academics is because I want my future daughter/son to look up to me and know that being a mother doesn't mean I have to stop my life from achieving my dreams. I am never a believer of finding a man who has it all. Some people said “my dad work hard so I can have the life im living right now” but respectfully I disagree with that. Parents had to work hard to get where they are and obviously, they too had to start from somewhere. Unless mmg you are born from a golden spoon of generation. Well that is something else. But comparing finding a man who has it all just because you dad gave you all, just doesnt sit right with me. It’s unfair in my opinion. Kalau nak compare, you gotta compare an apple for an apple lah. Parents had work hard prior to giving you the life you had so asking a man, who you just meet, to have it all just like how you father is now is just unfair. Mana mungkin nak compare kan orang yang baru start dgn orang yang dah lama start. So as much as the provider is working hard, I too want to work hard so I can help in any way possible if something were to happen in the future. The idea of finding a person who already have it all just seem so, i dont know? Unrealistic to me. The more hardworking a person is, the more driven I become yo work hard myself.

We had our performance review last month. Everything went very smoothly and even better than I expected. And as usual, I had to ask about my strengths and my weaknesses, so I know where to focus on and where to improve. One of the things was, throughout my whole career journey, I've been told that I am very aggressive with my work. The first time I've been told that, it caught me off guard. I thought it was a bad thing, but apparently, it's a good thing. Looking at it and digesting it now, I think being aggressive at work also comes from a place of privilege. It is a privilege afforded by my current lack of other commitments, allowing me to dedicate my focus solely to my career. I have so much time to just focus on my work because that's the only focus and priority I have right now, so my focus isn't divided. Maybe, that's why I am very aggressive with my work at this moment in time, which brings me into a deep state of thinking and planning. Looking at the time and energy I am spending right now, I don't think I want to be this aggressive when I step into a whole new phase of life. The top priority is to take care of my family. But even so, I am still going to climb that ladder, but maybe, I might take it down a notch. Maybe. We'll see.

I can say this now tapi kang tetiba bila dah sampai in the future, Im still as aggressive with work hahahaha. But if I can still maintain this much of aggressiveness with my way of working whilst maintaining full-on responsibility in taking care of the family, mannn that would be wholesome. Well nothing really is impossible isn't it? Just need to find the perfect balance and lay out my schedule and sort my priority in a very well thought order and inshaallah things will work out just the way I want. So thats the goal. To always keep on pushing and climbing that career ladder whilst maintaining and fulling the responsibility of being a mother. Hopefully.

***Lahh sekali tuhan kata mmg dkt dunia ni, takkan ada jodoh dgn anyone wkwkwkw. Well even if that is the case, I might still adopt some unfortunate children so the goal still stands. Inshaallah. May Allah ease.