Disconsolateness

This week has been nothing but crazyyyy. A lot of deadline to catch up and a lot of work I need to check. Not forgetting some research needed to be done. Yihh nak tergolek rasa. But Im super excited for the weekend. We are hosting a small eid celebration. Well, mainly it’s my brother’s and SIL’s friend but I did invite only a few of my closest friend and 1 guy. When I say a few, literally ajak 11 orang je termasuk lah that 1 guy sksksks. Yang kawan lain semua nanti plan nak ajak during raya haji so boleh ajak ramai sikit and selesa. Im really looking forward for people to come!! Gonna cook curry mee and I stocked up on my nespresso so everyone can just make their own free flow. Hopefully all goes well and sedap ah my food 😭

27th. Grateful for all the people I am surrounded by. Grateful for the life I am living and grateful for whatever falls during my whole year of living, be it the good ones or the bad ones. Grateful for all the duas that have accompanied me throughout this whole journey, especially my mother’s dua. For those whom I have hurt or left with any bittersweet feelings along the way, I truly apologize. And to those whom my actions may have caused a tremendous amount of hurt, I am just one text away and always willing to listen and be confronted. Each birthday serves as a gentle reminder to always embrace the journey that lies ahead. 27 seems like such a long time, but looking back, I think I'm just starting. Finding solace in God’s planning is so freeing. There are, of course, times where I am too hesitant or impatient about His planning, but slowly, I'm trying not to be. Focusing on what's important and trying to achieve as much as I can as an individual. As much as I have changed

Currently sitting in Anati’s room while they are outside in the hall. They surprised me by having like a small bbq party at the sungai for my 27th, in which I absolutely love and touched by. But as much as I am glad and happy, Im sitting in this room trying not to cry. But I really don’t want to ruin anybody’s mood and being the party poopper so I just hide away and bottle up this sadness. They spend so much of their time and energy for this surprise and I appreciate it so so much. I don’t think letting them know that I am sad would be a good choice. I don’t want to ruin this for then.

 Happy 27th Birthday Ain Izzaty. This year, Im not asking much. Only the improvement of papabear’s health. Significantly. Aminn Ya Rabb :/

 I’ve been sitting in this car alone crying for the past 1 hour non stop. My nose is about to fall off from all the snort. Am I really going to lose my father soon? Is this really it? I can’t possibly tell any of my friends that I am sad. Sabtu ni, 27 april Nizz nak tunang pastu the next day semua nak gi mandi sungai sbb dah alang alang kumpul. Takkan nak ruin their mood pula. Kesian semua orang nak have fun and catch up apa bagai.  I dont want to be the party pooper and ruin it for everyone. Plus, semua pun ada isu and masalah masing masing. 

I just got the news. The doctor decided not to do the operation cause it’s too risky. They said even if he still undergoes the surgery, improvement pun dlm 2% tu pun kalau dia manage to come out from the ICU safe and sound. kalau buat surgery mmg akan masuk ICU. So doctor advice to not do the surgery so his life akan remain slow and mundane like how he is now. But he wont have much time left.  Lagi sebak sbb he’s been keeping this from all of us. Bila tanya what did the Dr said, he’ll say semua okay je. The only way we knew about it sbb tadi abang I ikut dia masuk bilik consultation doc kalau tak dia mmg takkan tahu. My mom still have no idea about this and we dont know how to break it to her. I myself dont know how to handle this alone. For the first time ever, I know I can’t handle this alone at all. I dont even know to whom I can even share how heartbroken and sad I am now. 

 “Allah tak perlukan kamu, tapi kamu perlukan Allah. Walaupun kamu tidak percaya ia bukan kerugiaan bagi Allah. Dia masih Maha Besar. Sementara kamu? Masih tiada apa apa.”

 Memories should not be a prison.

What is it with IT people, developer to be exact and their communication ways? I've talked and work with so many people with so many different background and Ya Allah kalau nak communicate dgn orang IT lah paling payah sekali. Jenuh lah. I am currently doing a 6-figure project kalau semua simple issue pun susah sangat nak communicate mmg ranap lah project ni. I notice I constantly have the same issues with IT based people. Mesti susah sangat nak communicate and very hard to understand how they process information. Benda simple simple pun depa susah sangat nak faham so Im guessing maybe it's me yang need to learn how to communicate better with them? I know their brain works 10101010 and not like others yang can be 11001010 etc but damnnn Im actually struggling to communicate with them bila ada issue arises. Kadang kadang benda simple pun need few hours nak explain??? FEW HOURS. That is such a waste of time Ya Allah. With that few hours I can utilize it on to so many other stuff

It's my first raya without you. Biasanya mesti perg ipoh and you loved my begedil. I miss your cooking. I miss all the food you cooked me everytime I come by. Sometimes, I'll stay the night there. Rindu. Rindu sangat dkt Mak Siah. Rindu sangat sangat.

I miss my Mak Siah a little bit extra today. She loves my food. Shes the reason why I love food in the first place. Every year, she would wait for me to come and cook for her. I miss her. So so so so much. She may not be my biological mother but she treats me like one. I miss her, extra hard this raya. Al Fatihah to you Mak Siah. Everytime I try new food, your face always pops up in my mind because you taught me to always try new food and dont be afraid. I miss you. Im not the nicest person out here and I am definitely a sinner so I might not see you there. I dont think theres room for me up in Jannah Mak Siah :/ I pray for you everyday. Moga semua doa dan amalan Ain dkt sini, Ain dapat bagi dkt Mak Siah juga dekat sana. I miss you so much it hurts. 

 Yoooo having GERD and constantly vomiting whilst having to cook on the first night of eid IS NO FUNNN

You know what always motivate and drives me? Seeing hardworking people. People often say things like "Kerja bagai nak rak buat apa?", "kerja sampai tengah tengah malam usaha beria bagai buat susah kan diri je buat apa?" and etc but for me, I look highly to those who work so hard in their life.  No matter if you're young or a mother, I hold immense respect for all. Yet, for mothers, my admiration deepens. The role of a mother isn't one everyone can fulfill. The sacrifices made, whether it's personal time or rest, elevate you to an unparalleled level. Such dedication deserves the highest respect and honor.  Seeing people who stay up late and still work just drives me to be more hardworking myself. Though I still get worried and concerned seeing people who don't have enough rest, it's still something that I actually look up to. I guess my concern and worrying mostly comes from how I know my body will react. I used to not sleep for 3 days straight an

You are going to realize it one day, that happiness was never about your job or your degree or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all those who came before you. It was never about being like the others. One day you are going to see it. That happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chooses to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself. It was always about embracing the person you are becoming. One day you will understand that happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself. That your happiness was never in the hands of others. One day you will realize that true happiness comes from within. And no external factors can ever define it. It was always about you. Till the end.

 There’s something about letting myself feel vulnerable and transparent here in this blog that just, idk, calms me? Maybe because i know no one cares to read my blog so I can casually write and tell my stories to the world w/o being scared of getting judge or get my words taken out of context. Theres too much spotlight and attention given on twitter and instagram in which i think, are the reason why i rarely open it nowdays. But blog is where people forgot the existence of it so it’s more private and intimate. In which, I think is nice. I have always been a fan of keeping my actual life private cause I dont like drama.

  A month from now, you are going to celebrate your 27th birthday Ain Izzaty.  Alhamdulillah, life has unfolded as a breathtaking rollercoaster ride, each twist and turn brimming with lessons and blessings. Very much grateful for every single step of the way and the people I had intertwined with. Today, I pen not a reflection on my past nor a testament to the transformation of my faith but a letter to myself on the cusp of 27—a journey I wish to revisit in the years to come, to remember who I was at this pivotal moment. As I write this letter to myself, I am reminded of the journey's beauty, the resilience and the transformative power of gratitude. Turning 27 may be scary for that 20-year-old me in the past. But walking on this road now, I would honestly say, I am really looking forward for my 30s. Reaching 27, life feels neither scary nor exhausting. Work? You are now in charge of so many new things. From being an editor, you now also have taken on the responsibility of overseeing

Im honestly glad that I started writing on here again. For some reason, writing used to be one of my therapies. Admittedly, I'm not the most eloquent. I often find myself elaborating too much, which can make my words seem lengthy and, to some, dull.  Often time people would consider me boring.  It's been ages since I last visited this blog. My journey with writing began in high school, though I ended up archiving all those early posts due to their embarrassing nature. It's so cringey I, myself couldnt stand it sksksks. I've always found a certain beauty in language. Writing transports me to a place of profound peace and tranquility. While I wouldn't consider myself poetic, I do harbor a wish to embrace poetry more fully. T o me, words wield immense power  sebab kata kata itu doa dan doa adalah senjata mukmin. Do you notice how a single word can change the person mood for the whole day?  The way a simple compliment can illuminate a stranger's day fascinates me.

Was watching Omar Suleiman newest video and there’s this one part where he said there’s a scholar who told his wife “isn’t it beautiful how 50 000 years before the heavens and the earth was created your name was written next to mine?” - THATS THE PINNACLE OF ROMANCE!!! The lover girl inside of me is screaminggggggg omg thats THE epitome of romance. Damn that’s beautiful.

11 years. 11 years since it happened, and I still woke up with sudden panic attack and nightmares at times. But thankfully, not as much as I used to before and I am forever grateful with that. This is the post where I truly believe that I have finally come to terms with the things that had brought me so much pain and loneliness.       The story took place when I was in highschool. I went to a boarding school from form 1 up until form 5. As much as I had a lot of great memories and created such special bond,  it paradoxically represented a personal hell.  I had many traumatizing experiences that it triggers my brain to develop mental disorder. There were so many stories that I can never forget but there was this one particular one, that I, will forever remember and at times, still haunts me. Fitnah. Fitnah is a really serious thing. Sebab tu lah tuhan kata, fitnah ni, besar dosa nya. Lebih besar dari dosa membunuh.  I was just 15. Living in a boarding school. I was accused of sleeping w

It has been an eternity since my last confession to this blog. As the calendar marks my 27th year, I find myself at the threshold of Ramadan, eager for a rebirth. Life's journey has been fraught with challenges, among which family discord, a pervasive loneliness, and battles with self-worth loom large. While other struggles persist in the shadows, these three have been the titans, each feeding into the other. The family issues are too sacred and personal for me to share; thus I shall just keep it to myself. Bear with me; it's going to be a long one, and how the concept of redha and trust in God's decree has impacted so much of how I choose to live my life. Loneliness has been a constant companion since childhood. So, I learned to coexist with it. The first and only time I had a real relationship ended up badly. I got cheated on. It took me a while to heal—6 years, to be exact. The sting of loneliness was undeniable, yet the trauma of deceit left a deeper mark. I finally dec