Disconsolateness

How can I still be this sad? Like an unbreakable curse that stays with me for eternity. Like a scene that keeps on replying again and again in one infinity loop. These feelings deep inside, that I can no longer hide. Im wondering around on my own. Hopelessly. Endlessly. Inability to cope and understand my own feelings. Lost. Completely lost. Was it a curse that was cast by mistake? A magic spell that never seems to break. An ongoing loop that can never be paused nor stopped. What is this heavy emotions? It feels heavy yet cold. So cold and dark. Ironic how I feel lonely but occupied. Like im lonely but im not alone. As the rain starts to pour, so does my eyes. It felt, homogeneous. Calm but sad. Peaceful but depressing. As the rain pours, water starts to flow rapidly and I let it consumes me. Drifting through the path that it takes without having a single say, I no longer feel alive. Like a puppet, controlled by invisible strings forged by my deep unsettling feelings. A sad, lonely, br

Hey. Hows it going? It has really been awhile since the last time I've updated huh? A lot had happened since then. Who would've thought that we would be living in a pandemic. Crazy huh? Well, as crazy as the world is right now, my life isnt any different either.  Things are getting out of hand for the past years and its getting even crazier when this pandemic strikes. Im currently going to therapy. Yeah. Its a lot. I've been diagnosed with a couple of problems and disorder and had to go through therapy and all that jazz. As usual, I had a lot of sudden outburst and random breakdowns at the most inconvenient times. I used to cope with it a bit by tweeting about my feelings and ranting it on and on on my private twitter but not anymore. I find it rather hard to even talk about whats going on in my life. I cried every single time I walked out of my psychiatrist and psychologist office. Yeah, that kinda sucks. I still dont know the roots of my problem tbh but maybe, just maybe,