Disconsolateness

You are going to realize it one day, that happiness was never about your job or your degree or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all those who came before you. It was never about being like the others. One day you are going to see it. That happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chooses to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself. It was always about embracing the person you are becoming. One day you will understand that happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself. That your happiness was never in the hands of others. One day you will realize that true happiness comes from within. And no external factors can ever define it. It was always about you. Till the end.

 There’s something about letting myself feel vulnerable and transparent here in this blog that just, idk, calms me? Maybe because i know no one cares to read my blog so I can casually write and tell my stories to the world w/o being scared of getting judge or get my words taken out of context. Theres too much spotlight and attention given on twitter and instagram in which i think, are the reason why i rarely open it nowdays. But blog is where people forgot the existence of it so it’s more private and intimate. In which, I think is nice. I have always been a fan of keeping my actual life private cause I dont like drama.

  A month from now, you are going to celebrate your 27th birthday Ain Izzaty.  Alhamdulillah, life has unfolded as a breathtaking rollercoaster ride, each twist and turn brimming with lessons and blessings. Very much grateful for every single step of the way and the people I had intertwined with. Today, I pen not a reflection on my past nor a testament to the transformation of my faith but a letter to myself on the cusp of 27—a journey I wish to revisit in the years to come, to remember who I was at this pivotal moment. As I write this letter to myself, I am reminded of the journey's beauty, the resilience and the transformative power of gratitude. Turning 27 may be scary for that 20-year-old me in the past. But walking on this road now, I would honestly say, I am really looking forward for my 30s. Reaching 27, life feels neither scary nor exhausting. Work? You are now in charge of so many new things. From being an editor, you now also have taken on the responsibility of overseeing

Im honestly glad that I started writing on here again. For some reason, writing used to be one of my therapies. Admittedly, I'm not the most eloquent. I often find myself elaborating too much, which can make my words seem lengthy and, to some, dull.  Often time people would consider me boring.  It's been ages since I last visited this blog. My journey with writing began in high school, though I ended up archiving all those early posts due to their embarrassing nature. It's so cringey I, myself couldnt stand it sksksks. I've always found a certain beauty in language. Writing transports me to a place of profound peace and tranquility. While I wouldn't consider myself poetic, I do harbor a wish to embrace poetry more fully. T o me, words wield immense power  sebab kata kata itu doa dan doa adalah senjata mukmin. Do you notice how a single word can change the person mood for the whole day?  The way a simple compliment can illuminate a stranger's day fascinates me.

Was watching Omar Suleiman newest video and there’s this one part where he said there’s a scholar who told his wife “isn’t it beautiful how 50 000 years before the heavens and the earth was created your name was written next to mine?” - THATS THE PINNACLE OF ROMANCE!!! The lover girl inside of me is screaminggggggg omg thats THE epitome of romance. Damn that’s beautiful.

11 years. 11 years since it happened, and I still woke up with sudden panic attack and nightmares at times. But thankfully, not as much as I used to before and I am forever grateful with that. This is the post where I truly believe that I have finally come to terms with the things that had brought me so much pain and loneliness.       The story took place when I was in highschool. I went to a boarding school from form 1 up until form 5. As much as I had a lot of great memories and created such special bond,  it paradoxically represented a personal hell.  I had many traumatizing experiences that it triggers my brain to develop mental disorder. There were so many stories that I can never forget but there was this one particular one, that I, will forever remember and at times, still haunts me. Fitnah. Fitnah is a really serious thing. Sebab tu lah tuhan kata, fitnah ni, besar dosa nya. Lebih besar dari dosa membunuh.  I was just 15. Living in a boarding school. I was accused of sleeping w

It has been an eternity since my last confession to this blog. As the calendar marks my 27th year, I find myself at the threshold of Ramadan, eager for a rebirth. Life's journey has been fraught with challenges, among which family discord, a pervasive loneliness, and battles with self-worth loom large. While other struggles persist in the shadows, these three have been the titans, each feeding into the other. The family issues are too sacred and personal for me to share; thus I shall just keep it to myself. Bear with me; it's going to be a long one, and how the concept of redha and trust in God's decree has impacted so much of how I choose to live my life. Loneliness has been a constant companion since childhood. So, I learned to coexist with it. The first and only time I had a real relationship ended up badly. I got cheated on. It took me a while to heal—6 years, to be exact. The sting of loneliness was undeniable, yet the trauma of deceit left a deeper mark. I finally dec