Disconsolateness

Kalau Allah permudahkan, betul lah tu. Kalau tak, ada lah sebab nya. When He said yes, it’s a yes and when He said no, it’s a no. Theres always a reason behind it. Maybe it’s due to me maybe it’s not but whichever it is, be accepting that things doest work out my way is the only option. Having zero explanation on why it happened the way it happened sucks. The fact that I was never worth it enough for any sort of explanation sucks. And it sucks even more when this wasn’t the first rodeo. In whatever case letting this go is the last option. Dah orang tak suka, kita pandai pandai faham lah to disappear from their life. In Allah, I put all my trust in and may He guide me to change and improve to be a better woman and a better muslim. 

This week has been nothing but crazyyyy. A lot of deadline to catch up and a lot of work I need to check. Not forgetting some research needed to be done. Yihh nak tergolek rasa. But Im super excited for the weekend. We are hosting a small eid celebration. Well, mainly it’s my brother’s and SIL’s friend but I did invite only a few of my closest friend and 1 guy. When I say a few, literally ajak 11 orang je termasuk lah that 1 guy sksksks. Yang kawan lain semua nanti plan nak ajak during raya haji so boleh ajak ramai sikit and selesa. Im really looking forward for people to come!! Gonna cook curry mee and I stocked up on my nespresso so everyone can just make their own free flow. Hopefully all goes well and sedap ah my food 😭

27th. Grateful for all the people I am surrounded by. Grateful for the life I am living and grateful for whatever falls during my whole year of living, be it the good ones or the bad ones. Grateful for all the duas that have accompanied me throughout this whole journey, especially my mother’s dua. For those whom I have hurt or left with any bittersweet feelings along the way, I truly apologize. And to those whom my actions may have caused a tremendous amount of hurt, I am just one text away and always willing to listen and be confronted. Each birthday serves as a gentle reminder to always embrace the journey that lies ahead. 27 seems like such a long time, but looking back, I think I'm just starting. Finding solace in God’s planning is so freeing. There are, of course, times where I am too hesitant or impatient about His planning, but slowly, I'm trying not to be. Focusing on what's important and trying to achieve as much as I can as an individual. As much as I have changed...

Currently sitting in Anati’s room while they are outside in the hall. They surprised me by having like a small bbq party at the sungai for my 27th, in which I absolutely love and touched by. But as much as I am glad and happy, Im sitting in this room trying not to cry. But I really don’t want to ruin anybody’s mood and being the party poopper so I just hide away and bottle up this sadness. They spend so much of their time and energy for this surprise and I appreciate it so so much. I don’t think letting them know that I am sad would be a good choice. I don’t want to ruin this for then.

 Happy 27th Birthday Ain Izzaty. This year, Im not asking much. Only the improvement of papabear’s health. Significantly. Aminn Ya Rabb :/

 I’ve been sitting in this car alone crying for the past 1 hour non stop. My nose is about to fall off from all the snort. Am I really going to lose my father soon? Is this really it? I can’t possibly tell any of my friends that I am sad. Sabtu ni, 27 april Nizz nak tunang pastu the next day semua nak gi mandi sungai sbb dah alang alang kumpul. Takkan nak ruin their mood pula. Kesian semua orang nak have fun and catch up apa bagai.  I dont want to be the party pooper and ruin it for everyone. Plus, semua pun ada isu and masalah masing masing. 

I just got the news. The doctor decided not to do the operation cause it’s too risky. They said even if he still undergoes the surgery, improvement pun dlm 2% tu pun kalau dia manage to come out from the ICU safe and sound. kalau buat surgery mmg akan masuk ICU. So doctor advice to not do the surgery so his life akan remain slow and mundane like how he is now. But he wont have much time left.  Lagi sebak sbb he’s been keeping this from all of us. Bila tanya what did the Dr said, he’ll say semua okay je. The only way we knew about it sbb tadi abang I ikut dia masuk bilik consultation doc kalau tak dia mmg takkan tahu. My mom still have no idea about this and we dont know how to break it to her. I myself dont know how to handle this alone. For the first time ever, I know I can’t handle this alone at all. I dont even know to whom I can even share how heartbroken and sad I am now.