Disconsolateness

Was watching Omar Suleiman newest video and there’s this one part where he said there’s a scholar who told his wife “isn’t it beautiful how 50 000 years before the heavens and the earth was created your name was written next to mine?” - THATS THE PINNACLE OF ROMANCE!!! The lover girl inside of me is screaminggggggg omg thats THE epitome of romance. Damn that’s beautiful.

11 years. 11 years since it happened, and I still woke up with sudden panic attack and nightmares at times. But thankfully, not as much as I used to before and I am forever grateful with that. This is the post where I truly believe that I have finally come to terms with the things that had brought me so much pain and loneliness.       The story took place when I was in highschool. I went to a boarding school from form 1 up until form 5. As much as I had a lot of great memories and created such special bond,  it paradoxically represented a personal hell.  I had many traumatizing experiences that it triggers my brain to develop mental disorder. There were so many stories that I can never forget but there was this one particular one, that I, will forever remember and at times, still haunts me. Fitnah. Fitnah is a really serious thing. Sebab tu lah tuhan kata, fitnah ni, besar dosa nya. Lebih besar dari dosa membunuh.  I was just 15. Living in a boarding s...

It has been an eternity since my last confession to this blog. As the calendar marks my 27th year, I find myself at the threshold of Ramadan, eager for a rebirth. Life's journey has been fraught with challenges, among which family discord, a pervasive loneliness, and battles with self-worth loom large. While other struggles persist in the shadows, these three have been the titans, each feeding into the other. The family issues are too sacred and personal for me to share; thus I shall just keep it to myself. Bear with me; it's going to be a long one, and how the concept of redha and trust in God's decree has impacted so much of how I choose to live my life. Loneliness has been a constant companion since childhood. So, I learned to coexist with it. The first and only time I had a real relationship ended up badly. I got cheated on. It took me a while to heal—6 years, to be exact. The sting of loneliness was undeniable, yet the trauma of deceit left a deeper mark. I finally dec...

 It's been awhile. Been busy with life and all. Im working now. About to graduate end of this month (30th November 2021). Nywayssss, im back just to check on this blog. 1 thing I gotta say, this blog is so fucking cringeyyyyyyyy wtf???? Euw euw euw euw euw can't believe all these posts comes from me *barf* . What was I thinking LMAO. Hate it here. Bye

 Can’t believe im still so naive to put myself in this kind of situation again. Why does it always have to be this hard for me? What is this void? What is this void that I am so eagerly wanting to avoid? What is this longing that I am so desperately wants to be fill? What is this feeling? What am I feeling? What is this indescribable pain holding on to every inch of my soul? 

How can I still be this sad? Like an unbreakable curse that stays with me for eternity. Like a scene that keeps on replying again and again in one infinity loop. These feelings deep inside, that I can no longer hide. Im wondering around on my own. Hopelessly. Endlessly. Inability to cope and understand my own feelings. Lost. Completely lost. Was it a curse that was cast by mistake? A magic spell that never seems to break. An ongoing loop that can never be paused nor stopped. What is this heavy emotions? It feels heavy yet cold. So cold and dark. Ironic how I feel lonely but occupied. Like im lonely but im not alone. As the rain starts to pour, so does my eyes. It felt, homogeneous. Calm but sad. Peaceful but depressing. As the rain pours, water starts to flow rapidly and I let it consumes me. Drifting through the path that it takes without having a single say, I no longer feel alive. Like a puppet, controlled by invisible strings forged by my deep unsettling feelings. A sad, l...

Hey. Hows it going? It has really been awhile since the last time I've updated huh? A lot had happened since then. Who would've thought that we would be living in a pandemic. Crazy huh? Well, as crazy as the world is right now, my life isnt any different either.  Things are getting out of hand for the past years and its getting even crazier when this pandemic strikes. Im currently going to therapy. Yeah. Its a lot. I've been diagnosed with a couple of problems and disorder and had to go through therapy and all that jazz. As usual, I had a lot of sudden outburst and random breakdowns at the most inconvenient times. I used to cope with it a bit by tweeting about my feelings and ranting it on and on on my private twitter but not anymore. I find it rather hard to even talk about whats going on in my life. I cried every single time I walked out of my psychiatrist and psychologist office. Yeah, that kinda sucks. I still dont know the roots of my problem tbh but maybe, just maybe,...