Disconsolateness

How can I still be this sad? Like an unbreakable curse that stays with me for eternity. Like a scene that keeps on replying again and again in one infinity loop. These feelings deep inside, that I can no longer hide. Im wondering around on my own. Hopelessly. Endlessly. Inability to cope and understand my own feelings. Lost. Completely lost. Was it a curse that was cast by mistake? A magic spell that never seems to break. An ongoing loop that can never be paused nor stopped. What is this heavy emotions? It feels heavy yet cold. So cold and dark. Ironic how I feel lonely but occupied. Like im lonely but im not alone. As the rain starts to pour, so does my eyes. It felt, homogeneous. Calm but sad. Peaceful but depressing. As the rain pours, water starts to flow rapidly and I let it consumes me. Drifting through the path that it takes without having a single say, I no longer feel alive. Like a puppet, controlled by invisible strings forged by my deep unsettling feelings. A sad, l...

Hey. Hows it going? It has really been awhile since the last time I've updated huh? A lot had happened since then. Who would've thought that we would be living in a pandemic. Crazy huh? Well, as crazy as the world is right now, my life isnt any different either.  Things are getting out of hand for the past years and its getting even crazier when this pandemic strikes. Im currently going to therapy. Yeah. Its a lot. I've been diagnosed with a couple of problems and disorder and had to go through therapy and all that jazz. As usual, I had a lot of sudden outburst and random breakdowns at the most inconvenient times. I used to cope with it a bit by tweeting about my feelings and ranting it on and on on my private twitter but not anymore. I find it rather hard to even talk about whats going on in my life. I cried every single time I walked out of my psychiatrist and psychologist office. Yeah, that kinda sucks. I still dont know the roots of my problem tbh but maybe, just maybe,...

Its December. I'm almost done with my first semester. Its been one hell of a ride. Imma keep that part to myself sbb tah tak rasa nk tulis so...... lol Life update. Changed my meds. To a whole new dosage. So yup, thats interesting. Its been months. Things have changed. Alot. But the feeling is still there so thats fucked up. Studies. Not as great. Still that same old dumb bitch. Appearance wise, masih sloppy and fat and disgusting. Breakouts on the face, constantly, so yup, basically getting uglier day by day. Good news is, im surrounded by great people, great acquaintance and great friends. Kinda grateful for the things I have now. Now, I wanna talk about my heartbreaks. Its been months. At times, the pain still felt like it was just yesterday. Sometimes, I'm lost. Well actually, most of the time. Pulang has been my anthem for the last week. Kept on repeating it again and again. The song, the lyrics, it hits so close to home.   Sometime all we need is ...

We all got lost in our sea of emotions sometimes but for me, im not just lost. Im practically drowning in it.  Its been a couple of months now since the news blasted right in front of my eyes. People said day by day, it gets easier. People said day by day, you'll learn to let go. People said day by day, the love fades away. Bullshit. Day by day, it gets harder. Day by day I slowly feel like im losing myself more and more. I get anxiety attacks constantly. I' ve only been here for like 3 weeks or so but I manage to get anxiety attacks out of sudden for more than 5 times. Life is shit. It has always been that way but what even shittier would be on how I cant manage myself. On how lost I am. On how broken I am. On how I cant fix myself or even keep myself together. Im basically a shattered piece. Waiting to be thrown away into all the other piles of ashes and dirt.  Im sick. Im sick of having to go through this feelings when I wake up in the morning, Im sic...

And when the moon started to shine and the wind started blowing melancholily, thats when the time the girl ponder upon life and how she had fucked up so much. Slowly the thoughts began to eat her soul, leaving only her body and her wild toxic thoughts. Her soul wonders around trying to find the smallest chance of acceptance and happiness but all she could find was pain, sorrow and pure loneliness. And she began to realize that life isnt pathetic. She is. The most agonizing part of it is, she thought she started to heal. She thought she started to get better but wailfully, she was completely wrong. She was only distracted by life itself. She never was trully leaving her past miserable life behind. She was just pausing it for a moment. Pausing her trully lonely life at pause and choosing to play the part of her life that she knew she could never have. Her part of the life where all she did was laugh and be silly with her friends. Her part of the life where she is...

Maybe, just maybe, im starting to heal. Maybe, im just starting to feel okay about myself. And maybe, Im slowly recovering. It does seem like i dont have much to hold on too but the truth is, I finally realized that I have more than plenty to be grateful for.