2024 Ramadhan

It has been an eternity since my last confession to this blog. As the calendar marks my 27th year, I find myself at the threshold of Ramadan, eager for a rebirth. Life's journey has been fraught with challenges, among which family discord, a pervasive loneliness, and battles with self-worth loom large. While other struggles persist in the shadows, these three have been the titans, each feeding into the other. The family issues are too sacred and personal for me to share; thus I shall just keep it to myself. Bear with me; it's going to be a long one, and how the concept of redha and trust in God's decree has impacted so much of how I choose to live my life.

Loneliness has been a constant companion since childhood. So, I learned to coexist with it. The first and only time I had a real relationship ended up badly. I got cheated on. It took me a while to heal—6 years, to be exact. The sting of loneliness was undeniable, yet the trauma of deceit left a deeper mark. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone again. But fate proved unkind again. The next guy I was texting ended up being someone's husband without me knowing. I was lied too. And that really shatters me. It feels like hell. I was struggling physically. My health wasn't the most pristine. I had some major family issues that I was going through as well. Talk about timing, huh? To inquiries of my well-being and often ask whether I was okay, I offered them laughter and dismissal. And that it was nothing serious. I've always been the caretaker, never the cared for, making acceptance of kindness an alien concept. But deep down, I was not. Everyone was struggling. I don't want to be a burden, so I ended up just brushing it off. But there was this one guy. A man whose presence brought joy and learning. I like him a lot. I honestly love our interactions. Whose simple gift of flowers remains a cherished relic by my bedside. I had always struggled with the way I look. My body, my face, my laugh, my intellect, my braces, everything. I planned to meet him when I lose a bit of weight and took my braces off, which was at the end of January, but sadly, that didn't happen. It wasn't him. This time it was me. I was confused about what we were. Whether we are just friends, or he thinks of me more than that. I'm the type of person who needs to be told directly to my face that "oh hey, I want to try and be in a relationship with you so we can get married one day", Truth be told, if he were to say, "let's get married and get to know each other better", I would've said yes and given him my world. But, when he was there, I was struggling so bad at that time. I had so many issues I was juggling. My family, my physical health, my work, my mental health, and being lied to again was really the peak of the disturbance. It was so overwhelming. I had zero clue how to handle it all on my own. I almost went to the ER a couple of times because my physical health was deteriorating. He was there. He was present at that time. He made my day a bit better with his witty jokes and replies. But, having him at that time, I didn't know how to tell him I was struggling without feeling like I'm a burden to him. And at that moment, my wounds were still fresh. At the back of my mind, I was scared. Scared that I'm going to be lied to again, so putting my full trust in a person seems like a very foreign concept. Medication-induced slumber often cut our conversations short without me ending it properly, and eventually, his replies ceased altogether. Coincidentally, that time, I was at the peak of my struggles. I had no idea what I should do. It was too much for me to handle all on my own. People asked me how I lost 14kg. Truth be told, it wasn't because I was on a diet. I was actually struggling with my day-to-day.

This narrative, however, is but a prelude to the essence of my reflection. I'm 27 now. Things are getting better this year, alhamdulillah. Loneliness persists, yet I surrender it to Allah S.W.T. Finding solace in acceptance and tranquility in faith. This year, I learn to be more accepting and redha. Calmer and accepting of what God gives. More accepting of the tests God leaves. My heart, once eager to love, remains open, knowing that when Allah wills, it shall be. I was scrolling through this one TikTok, "those who are in their 30s, drop some life advice down in the comments." one of it was "you will wish you wouldn't have spent so much time feeling insecure about yourself in your 20s and missed out on life,". A poignant reminder of the opportunities lost to fear. All my 26 years of life, I have been struggling so much with my body and my face up to the point I missed out on what could've been the best time I had ever had with a person. I was so scared and worried about how ugly I look and how dumb I might portray myself that I ended up losing the chance that I was given. I was so insecure with myself that I held myself back from doing outdoor activities because I was afraid people would treat me poorly because of the way I look and my size before. Maybe that post was God's way of telling me to stop worrying and just be grateful for what He has given me in this body. And now, I am more active than I ever am. I did a lot of outdoor activities because I don't want to miss out on life, and I had never felt happier and more alive. Alhamdulillah. When I was struggling, I didn't know who to turn to. So, I went to Him. Allah S.W.T. The Almighty. And I slowly put all my trust and redha in Him. Accepting and believing in what He will give. Slowly, I managed to find peace and serenity in the midst of hardship. Looking back, there were things that I wish I was brave enough to do, and there were people that I wish I didn't put my trust in. But when I think back, maybe there's a reason it happens the way it happens. Maybe God introduced me to a married man as a test, or maybe also as a consequence for my past sins? Maybe God gave me family tests for me to learn how to build and handle a better one in the future. And maybe God didn't move the guy's heart to keep on texting me because God knew at that moment, I was struggling so much with myself. He knew that I needed Him more than I needed anyone.

And He was right. Now, I believe that God will give the best things at the best time. Epa went to Umrah, and I actually cried after she told me she is going there. Epa was struggling as well with her inner self. Knowing her, that was one of the hardest points in her life. But how kind God is, suddenly Epa was invited to His home. The timing was beautiful, and because of that, I truly believe that God will give the best things at the most precise time. One of my dreams is to go to Umrah with my partner. I find it beautiful. Knowing that I'm there, at His home, with a person who can and will guide me to be a better Muslimah. It symbolizes a union of faith and love, Though I yearn for a family free from strife, I understand these trials as lessons from Allah, shaping me for the family I will one day nurture. My heart's desires, once whispered in the dark, now find voice in prayer, trusting in Allah's timing and wisdom. As much as I wished I told the guy I like him and would like to meet him in real life, God knew, that wasn't the best for me at that time. God knew I needed to find Him first. Hati manusia ni, tuhan yang pegang. If one day, God says he's the one for me, then he is the one for me. Ever since I hold on to this, honestly, I'm in such a better place now. At times, I do feel lonely and alone, but I know and I believe in God's decree. If I can't experience the happiness of family life in this world, I still have the afterlife to look forward to. For now, I will only accept fate and continue to improve my worship and faith. Starting at the end of last year, I'm slowly getting even closer to Him. I found peace and calmness whenever I'm with Him. It's true what people say, bersandar lah pada tuhan, bukan pada manusia. All this while I feel alone even when I'm in a sea of people, I often forgot that I have Him by my side. Relationship-wise? I put all my trust in God on this. If someone were to come in again, I'll just pray to God to give me the best answer. I trust in His will. Moga tuhan beri ketenangan pada hati yang sentiasa bergelora. May this holy month herald a new chapter, one of serenity, purpose, and divine grace. You got this, Ain. You got this life. Insha'Allah, one day, things will turn out to be just like you imagine. May this Ramadan, you change to be a better version for yourself. A better person. A better ummah. A better servant to Allah Ta'ala. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.